Hancock’s Half Hour – The Harry Secombe Episodes Part 4

Well, here we are. After three weeks of Harry Secombe covering for an indisposed Tony Hancock we’re back to where we started. The regular cast assembled on 8th May 1955 to pick up where they left off with a recording session at the Paris Studios for transmission a mere two days later. Business as usual? Not quite. There’s a debt that needs repaying so it’s time for a fighting fit Hancock to pay “A Visit To Swansea”.

Kenneth Williams is on duty again as announcer, as he introduces…

KEN … Bill Kerr, Sidney James, Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams in… Hancock’s Half Hour

Still no sign of Hancock’s name in the opening credits. No sign of Harry either. Kenneth continues…

KEN Harry Secombe having successfully deputised for Tony Hancock for the last three weeks, he has now left London for his hometown Swansea, With no one left to impose upon, Bill Kerr has had to find alternative ready-made accomodation, the alternative being Hancock’s empty flat, and the “ready-maid” being Andree Melly. Or so he thinks.

We open on Bill and Andree listening to a recording of Harry singing – the script specifies “Heart of a Clown”. “Must be one of the best records he’s ever made”, comments Bill.

ANDREE Wonderful. I’m going to miss Harry.

BILL So am I. He took all his money with him.

It would appear that there’s enough money left for three or four weeks, after which, it’s time for drastic measures – Andree will have to go out to work. Bill pleads exclusion on account of his war wounds…

ANDREE You told me you were in the cookhouse.

BILL We had more casualties there than any branch of the Australian army.

Bill leaves to conduct some important business – once he’s found his billiard chalk. Andree takes a few minutes to listen to Harry again before carrying on with the washing up, at which point…

TONY Ah, home again at last. Hancock’s Haven. The swallow returns to his nest. Three weeks away, and… hello, I left the gramophone on. Hasn’t done the record any good by the sound of it.

There’s an important task to be performed here. Andree’s supposed to be a regular cast member but she hasn’t actually met Tony yet – she came over from France with Bill. This could be awkward.

ANDREE Is that you Bill? You’re back quickly. I wasn’t expecting you till… oh

TONY Good Evening.

ANDREE Good Evening.

TONY Who are you?

ANDREE I live here.

TONY Well, that solves me problem of what to do in the evenings, doesn’t it? How did you get here?

ANDREE Mr Kerr said I could stay here. He said it would be alright.

TONY Well, it looks as though HE is.

ANDREE Oh, you know Mr Kerr?

TONY Yes, we’ve met.

ANDREE Of course! I’ve just realised who you are.

TONY (Pleased) Have you?

ANDREE Yes. You’re the labourer Bill was going to send round to clear this place up!

At which point Tony clocks the devastation left after one of Bill’s all night parties. A few beer stains on the wallpaper – “me contemporary two tones. Ruined!  One and six and three a yard.” Some cigarette holes in the carpet – and the chair Tony sits down in having come over all faint (the FX instructions add a simple (TERRIFIC CRASH) at this point).

There’s a scored through section in the script here –

ANDREE Well you see, some things got broken.

TONY Add Mr Kerr’s name to the list, will you?

Rather sweetly Andree breaks down in tears on Tony’s behalf. Tony attempts to comfort her – Andree recovers.

ANDREE You’re very sweet.

TONY I have me moments.

ANDREE I’ve heard so much about you. From Bill.

TONY Have you?

ANDREE Yes. I don’t think you’re ugly.

TONY Of course not, don’t let me face mislead you. Methinks Mr Kerr and myself will be having a few words.

BILL (way off mike, singing) I can’t give you anything but love, baby…

TONY Ah. Hear the gentle lark.

Bill enters, speculating how much they could get for Tony’s radiogram (“about thirty seven pounds” comments Tony drily), at which point Bill clocks just who’s got there ahead of him. He attempts to salvage the situation.

BILL Where have you been all these weeks? We’ve had no word! We thought you were dead.

TONY Quite a little wake you had here last night.

BILL I was only drowning my sorrows. You’ve no idea how upset I’ve been. The mental agony of not knowing where you were. Not sleeping at nights, pacing my room, wondering where to find you, looking everywhere for you.

ANDREE That’s right, he searched my room dozens of times.

Tony attempts to explain his absence by taking off on one of his trademark flights of fancy – “when Whitehall calls, one doesn’t question”. On being pressed further he explains –

TONY I can’t divulge it William, but I CAN tell you this. The gayness has gone right out of Budapest. Oh yes, I know the ghoulash at Pauls is quite piquant, and the Tokay at Nikolai’s – ah! But it’s only surface, William. Underneath… well, it’s nasty. Quite, quite nasty.

BILL Seaview Hotel, Bognor Regis.

TONY Eh?

BILL The label on your suitcase.

Eventually Tony cops to it. He’s had a cold in his head and it took him seven weeks to get over it. “With the size of his head, it could be”, murmurs Bill.

At this point it’s worth pausing to realise that Harry’s been covering for Tony within continuity as well – standing in on the radio show the fictional Hancock, Sid and Bill do for the BBC. All of which leads to this  unsurprising revelation – Tony isn’t altogether comfortable with the reaction Harry got on his show while he was away.

TONY I must admit, he was very funny. I laughed. I laughed a great deal. I thought I was going to cry.

BILL Harry did a wonderful job. He made you look a bit sick. You should have heard the people laugh.

TONY Well, of course they would. Look at the shape of him. Short little fat bloke. Don’t know what they see in him.

Another deleted section follows –

BILL What talent the guy’s got. Sings like a dream.

TONY So can I. (SINGS) “Be my love, for no-one else can end this yearning…”

BILL My, what funny dreams you have.

Andree and Bill begin to apply pressure on Tony to thank Harry for covering. (“He got paid!” protests Tony). The others think that’s not sufficient, and Tony should show a bit of gratitude.

Another deleted exchange –

ANDREE It WOULD be a nice gesture.

TONY I could think of better ones.

Since Harry’s gone home to Swansea Bill and Andree suggest paying Harry a visit – “that’s practically abroad!” “Not as far as Budapest”.

There’s a train leaving shortly so with a blast of “Genevive Hancock” (Disc 5, Band 1 of the BBC’s music library, Hancock’s Half Hour for the use of) and a nifty crossfade, we arrive at Paddington.

Deputised to get the railway tickets Tony has the misfortune to get Kenneth Williams at the booking office. The script direction reads (PRECIOUS) which I presume comes out as Kenneth’s traditional Snide character –

KENNETH Oh, I do envy you. Swansea. It’s so beautiful at this time of the year. I took the wife there for a holiday last year, she likes Wales, you know, and we had a lovely time, really, only five days rain during the whole week we were there.

This exchange goes on for several pages with Kenneth utterly refusing to allow Hancock to get in. There’s much play about his sister-in-law. She’s got a bad back, apparently.  When he finally does get the upper hand Hancock turns the table on him, spinning one of his tall war stories and showing Kenneth just how to bore for Britain. Eventually though, both run out of steam –

TONY Oh, er… three returns to Swansea please.

KENNETH You’ve got the wrong window.

TONY What do you… look, please… can’t you try to make an allowance just this once? I’m in a hurry. My train leaves in two minutes. Please, can’t you possibly give me three returns to Swansea?

KENNETH I very much doubt it… this is the Underground.

Tickets finally procured our heroes make a mercy dash for the train, only to be blocked by a ticket inspector – Kenneth again. Bear in mind by this stage Tony and Kenneth have been at it for about five or six minutes of solid to-and-fro dialogue –

KENNETH So you’re going to Swansea, eh? Lovely place, you’ll like it. I’ve got a brother on the Underground goes to see his sister-in-law there every year. It’s her back, you know, gets seized up… OOOOOOOW, my shin!

They dash for the train, now well and truly leaving the station (“Come on Bannister, grab my hand”, exhorts Bill to a knackered Tony) but it’s all to no avail. They’ve got to wait for the next one but thankfully this gives Bill time to go and stock up on reading material. Once comfortably on board with five hours to go to Swansea he settles in for a literary feast.

ANDREE You’ve dropped your glasses.

BILL Oh thanks.

TONY Funny glasses, aren’t they?

BILL (ENGROSSED) Mm? Oh, they’re my reading glasses. They make everything stand out much clearer.

HANCOCK Show us those books. Diana Dors in 3D. Sixteen classical poses in 3D. Artistic nude studies in…

BILL I’m interested in photography!

Tony attempts to interest Bill in the passing countryside – “I’m more interested in Diana Dors than in Pigs and Sheep” – at which point a certain absent member of the cast finally joins them. Sid’s on board, doing carriage to carriage retail – car seat covers, coal, electric light bulbs – “I’ve been from one end of the train to the other”. He asks them where they’re off to.

ANDREE Swansea. We’re trying to locate Harry Secombe. Tony wants to thank him for taking over his radio show when he was ill.

SID THANK HIM? Cor blimey, if I was in your shoes Hancock, I’ve MURDER him.

TONY Oh, that’s a silly attitude to take. Just because Harry was a big success. I mean, it was good for the show, I was pleased that he got all the big laughs, I mean, if I wasn’t such a well-established favourite, it might have worried me, but it’s… it’s…. I’ve still got me fans, one or two of them still write, it’s not that… well, I… what did you say you’d do if you were in my shoes?

SID Murder him.

TONY What size boots do you take?

SID Tens.

TONY Here’s nine and a half, see what you can do.

Following a deleted sing-song (Bill’s promising rendition of “Eskimo Nell” cut short when he remembers the presence of Andree)  Sid suggests they beguile the hours with a game of cards.

TONY No thank you, I’ve played with you before. Strip poker, remember. I had six suits in the wardrobe and I still had to go to work next morning in a barrel.

Bill – forgetting for the moment that Andree is indeed still present – begins to regale the carriage with a dirty joke or two and is interrupted – oh yes – by Kenneth, this time in the guise of an innocent looking Vicar, looking for somewhere to sit. Turns out he’s visiting a relative in Swansea, who has a bad back. As Tony comments, he probably has a relative working on the Underground.

The Vicar seems a nice old soul – albeit one dressed in a sharkskin suit and recently returned from America – “I’m a sort of Billy Graham in reverse”. He “inadvertently” reveals that he’s got two thousand quid on him – he’s raising money for a new church roof. Sid senses an opportunity and invites him to join the card school. Shortly –

KENNETH Well, there we are…. I think that just about cleans you out, doesn’t it gentlemen? That is the expression, isn’t it? Well, good day to you, gentlemen, it’s been such a pleasant journey.

The rest of this scene is scored through. It carries on –

KENNETH … we should have an excellent roof for the church now. Er, before I go, you wouldn’t like to make a little donation to the box, would you?

TONY No, but if you’ll tell us where it is we’ll be your first applicants.

Finally the train pulls in at Swansea.

TONY Rev, just one thing before you go.

KENNETH Yes?

TONY Can we have our suits back?

The only address anyone has for Harry is 32 Penwellyn Road. Eventually our tired and weary travellers arrive, to be greeted by Andree doing double service as a Welsh landlady.

TONY I’d like to speak to my dear friend Harry Secombe please.

ANDREE So would I. He left here four years ago without paying his rent. Are you friends of his?

TONY AND BILL No.

TONY Have you any idea where I can find him?

ANDREE Oh no, I couldn’t tell you man, I haven’t stepped foot outside this house for three years now.

TONY I’m very sorry to hear that. What’s wrong with you?

ANDREE It’s my back, you know. I get seized up.

Incredibly, the gag about the sister in Swansea is STILL going… so everyone beats a hasty retreat. Hours of footsore wandering later they encounter the hardest working man at the BBC – at least for the purposes of this script. Yes, it’s Kenneth again, this time playing a little Welshman.

KENNETH Oooh, you’re foreigners from across the border, aren’t you?

TONY We’re English.

KENNETH Well, never mind. We can’t all be Welsh, can we? Now, what can I do for you?

BILL We’re trying to find Harry Secombe.

KENNETH Oh aye, young Harry bach. A fine lad is Harry. I heard him on the electric talking wireless without pictures last week, in that Hancock’s Half Hour. Smashin’, he was. Much better than that fellow whose place he took. What was his name anyway? Oh, he was a dead loss anyway. Harry bach showed him up proper, he did. You’ve never heard such laughs. I wonder this Tiny Hancock has got the nerve to try and follow Harry bach. Of course, Harry’s got the advantage. He’s Welsh, you see.

Finally, Harry’s found. Working down a coal mine. He does it when he’s not working for the BBC because he can’t afford coal on the money they pay him at Auntie. “A grand worker, is Harry. Very handy with the shovel”. He’s working down the mines right now, in that mountain just over there.

TONY There’s no mountain over there.

KENNETH Isn’t there? Cor, he must have knocked up loads of money this week, then.

Sadly their luck’s out – Harry’s just gone down the pit and won’t be back up for eight hours. They’ll have to wait. Or will they? Just coming off shift are three burly Welsh miners – incredibly, Ray, Alan and Kenneth – and they’re just the same size as Tony, Bill and Sid. You can tell they’re Welsh miners, they’re singing “Sospan Fach”.

Having duffed up Ray, Alan and Kenneth for their outfits Tony, Bill and Sid head down the pit. They’re also singing “Sospan Fach”. Just to allay suspicion.

Wonderfully Tony gets sidetracked, having one of his little chats with Alan Simpson. Even more wonderfully, he reveals that these little chats are a feature of the fictional Hancock’s Half Hour he appears in as well. Alan’s interjections are included here in brackets.

TONY … I’m looking for Harry Secombe. He did the radio show for me (I know) Well, you were there. Did he speak to you? (Not a word) No little chats? (Ignored me) I’m not surprised, he’s very unsociable…

Hancock’s jealousy gets the better of him, as Alan rashly reveals that he preferred Harry to Hancock and gets a pickaxe for his pains.

TONY Did my pickaxe go into your head? (Yes) I’m sorry. (It’s alright, it’s only the sharp bit) It’s made a nasty hole, hasn’t it? (Don’t worry) Never mind, somewhere to put your cigarette ash, isn’t it? (Well, exactly). I’ve got to be going now. Give my regards to the wife and the fifteen kids (Sixteen) Well, I haven’t seen you for a few weeks, you lose count. Goodbye. See you next week. Nice man. EVERYBODY hates him.

There’s been a small fat pit pony following our heroes around. On closer inspection it turns out to be none other than Harry. At long last, Tony has the chance to discharge his obligations and thank Harry for his generosity and kindness.

TONY I’ve prepared a little speech. Ahem. I’d like to say on behalf of myself and the assembled cast how much… don’t this coal dust get up your nose? … how much I appreciate your stepping into my radio show and taking it over for me and making it such a success.

HARRY Oh Tony, it was nothing.

TONY Nothing, he says. Flipping nigh ruined me. Well, anyway, thank you.

HARRY Not at all. It was a pleasure. Any time.

TONY There won’t be any more times. I’ll get along to that studio in a wheelchair. Never again will I let anybody else take my place. I’ve learnt my lesson. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go back to London to do me broadcast… so I’ll just say goodbye Harold, thank you, and… oooooooow!

BILL What’s wrong?

TONY Me back! It’s seized up! Help! Me back. It’s the damp. I shouldn’t have come down. Get a doctor. Ooooow! I can’t move!

HARRY Oh, that’s a bit of bad luck. The doctor only comes down here once a week.

TONY But me radio show. It’s tonight!

HARRY Well, don’t worry about it, Tony, I’ll do it for you. I’ll finish up with a song. That’ll get them. Come on lads, we’ll be late for the show. (Goes off singing) “If I had the heart of a clown…”

TONY No. Come back. Bill. Sid. Don’t do it! It’s my show. Pick me up…

KENNETH This has been Hancock’s Half Hour with Tony Hancock, and his old friend Harry Secombe.

With that, it’s all over. Thankfully “The Holiday Camp” – the next episode to be broadcast – still exists and “Hancock’s Half Hour” continued as normal. What a wonderful way to ease yourself back into things though. Out of the four scripts that kicked off series two, this is far and away my favourite. There’s an easy flow to it with a slight end-of-term feel –  a real “thank god, we got through it” sense of relief. The only place it really strains is in attempting to write Andree into her proper place as a series regular – by the next week she’s just there, living with the others and acting as Hancock’s (occasional) love interest. Easy to forgive though.

There’s so much else to enjoy, from the running gag about the sister with the bad back, to Kenneth’s virtual domination of the show with his multiple characters, to Sid’s once-an-episode fiddle backfiring on him spectacularly. The succession of jabs taken at Hancock and his towering jealousy when he discovers he wasn’t missed one bit are a highlight – you can only imagine the levels of aggrieved, suppressed rage Hancock would have injected into those lines. The way the show ends as it began with Harry singing “Heart of a Clown” is lovely as well. That they could pull this off at such short notice… well, it takes my breath away.

All told, these four episodes are a beautiful example of grace under pressure. Under almost impossible conditions, they did it. They really did it, and I can only hope that somewhere out there copies of all four survive. To judge by the scripts they would have been absolutely top-flight Hancock’s Half Hour, even lacking the star. One of the show’s charms was always the supporting cast and I’m sure Sid, Bill, Andree and Kenneth gave totally of their best. They always did. Harry Secombe stepped in for his old friend and held it all together, giving Hancock the time he needed to get back to full strength. I only hope at some point in the future we’ll all get to hear him do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hancock’s Half Hour – The Harry Secombe Episodes Part 3

Here we are then. Week three of Hancock’s Half Hour, without Tony Hancock. It’s been a strange run of episodes so far. Everything is almost normal but not quite, simply because of the gaping Hancock shaped void at the centre of proceedings. We’re almost there,though. For one more week then, let Kenneth Williams – doing extra duty as announcer this week – usher us into this strange little alternative universe as he presents Hancock’s Half Hour, Series 2 Episode 3… The Racehorse.

KEN We present Bill Kerr, Sidney James, Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams in Hancock’s Half Hour… and in place of Tony Hancock Who is indisposed – meet Harry Secombe!

Though his regular meal ticket, Mr Tony Hancock Esq, is still absent, Mr William Kerr is still living off the fat of the land… Mr Harold Secombe Esquire. And with Andree, his French amorata to look after as well, Mr Secombe is finding it increasingly difficult to feed three mouths on the miserable pittance he gets from the BBC.

 

Interesting to note Andree’s an amorata. A word you can imagine Ken rolling gleefully around before delivering it in that way that only he does. You’ll also note that in this universe Harry’s also working for a pittance at the BBC. Not stated whether it’s his own series – like the in-continuity one Hancock’s got – or whether he’s part of another show altogether. Not much time to rewrite at this stage, presumably.

Meanwhile, things are fraught at the breakfast table.

HARRY Food, food, for pity’s sake, food. Three days ne’er a bite has passed these lips. I’m a living skeleton. Food. Food…

ANDREE Harry, calm down. Breakfast’s ready.

HARRY (Slobbering) Breakfast. Ha ha. Where is it? Where is it?

ANDREE Here you are. Bean on toast.

HARRY Come now, Andree, you must get your English right. In English the plural has an “s” on the end. Like sheeps. Understand?

ANDREE Yes. And you’ve still got bean on toast.

Times are hard and it’s all Kerr’s fault. Harry gave him ten shillings three days ago to go and get some food, and… well, you can guess where this is going to end up, can’t you?

BILL Well you see, Harry, I bumped into an old Army pal and well…

HARRY How much can we get on the empties?

BILL I didn’t booze it.

HARRY What did you do with it?

BILL I wouldn’t throw money down the drain like that.

HARRY What did you do with it?

BILL I’ve got more sense than that.

HARRY WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?

BILL We need food, and food costs money, so I did the only sensible, logical thing.

HARRY What?

BILL I bought a horse.

HARRY Quick, light the oven, I want the fetlocks.

Bill got himself a good bargain, or so he says. Seven and six for a prime racehorse, the thing that’s going to make their fortune. Where’s the rest of the money? Horses have to eat so Bill’s spent the rest on some hay. “I wonder what it’s like with chips?” ponders Harry.

The horse is presented to the rest of the household to a less than enthusiastic response.

BILL There you are, it’d take a keen eye to find out why I only paid seven and six for that horse.

HARRY (Flat) It’s only got three legs.

BILL Huh? Where, let me see… one two three… I’ve been cheated! So that’s why he had it standing up against that post.

ANDREE Yes, and that front leg looks a bit stiff to me.

On tapping said leg it turns out to be wood. Backed into a corner Bill defends himself by claiming all it needs is a good trainer. “He’ll have to be a good carpenter too!” is Harry’s only response.

Andree asks whether the horse – who turns out to be a she – has a name.

BILL Sabrina.

HARRY What did you call her that for?

BILL Well, I’m hoping she’ll be well out in front.

Seasoned Hancock watchers will know that Galton and Simpson peppered their scripts with references to fifties culture, and here’s a belter. Norma Ann Sykes – aka Sabrina –  appeared every week with Arthur Askey on “Before Your Very Eyes”. You can probably guess what everyone’s referring to here. Regularly mentioned in dispatches by The Goon Show as in “by the sweaters of Sabrina!” and the like, her name will appear again in latter Hancock scripts. I love it when Galton and Simpson do this. The casual, throwaway mentions of things that would be utterly familiar to the listening audience give you a real feel for a vanished world, one you’ll never know. All we can do from this remove  is peek in from the outside.

Needless to say, Bill’s made another foresighted arrangement for the training of the lovely Sabrina. The Sid James Racing Stables at Epsom are awaiting their pleasure.

HJARRY That man’s been warned off every racetrack in the country!

BILL Only under one of his names.

With a clip-clop-bonk, clip-clop-bonk, they’re off. Only as far as the nearest bus stop, though. “It’s a long way to Epsom”, protests Bill. “It’s been raining – her leg might get warped”.

Once on board, things get even stranger.

HARRY We’d better take her upstairs. The people downstairs might object.

BILL What to?

HARRY To her smoking.

BILL Don’t be ridiculous. You know very well that pipe isn’t alight.

Every bus needs a conductor and Kenneth Williams is on hand. However, he isn’t happy with a horse being on board his bus. He’s reluctant to have her stay on the grounds that she might interfere with the other passengers. Sabrina’s already eaten an old lady’s straw hat.  Harry’s offer to buy her a new one falls on deaf ears – she’d prefer the old one. “Her hair was still in it”, Kenneth tartly explains.

Thanks to Andree’s blandishments the conductor reluctantly allows them to stay on but not before Bill attempts to blag a three and a half on the grounds that Sabrina’s under fourteen. As it turns up they end up walking anyway. Sabrina keeps stamping on the floor with her wooden leg, meaning the driver thinks someone wants to get off. Interfering with corporation business is a capital offence in Kenneth’s book so it’s off they have to get.

Several hours later…

BILL Young girls of today have no stamina, that’s the trouble…. Lead a horse for fifteen miles and they’re finished.

ANDREE Well, here we are, boys. (PAUSE) Well, shall I help you down off the horse?

Having arrived at the establishment of “Honest Sidney James, the owner’s friend”, they find Sid on the phone to someone called “Nobbler”.

SID I want you to put two hundred pounds on the other horses. No, not money. Weight. I want to make sure…

Sid’s rates are fifteen guineas a day. Since Harry doesn’t have that sort of money, he agrees to a quarter share. One slight problem there. The cry goes up from Sid – “Who’s whipped my share??”

SID Do me a favour fellows, be reasonable. Do the kind thing, take her away and put her out to graze.

EFFECTS: NEIGHS

HARRY See, you’ve offended her now. She heard that. Her hearing aid must have been switched on.

Bill wants Sid to train her up to Derby winning standards. Sid remains unconvinced.

SID Billy, she’s only got two good legs… and they’re not even level.

ANDREE You could put a book under one of them.

SID That’s alright when she’s standing still What about when she races? She’ll be lopsided.

HARRY A definite advantage when she goes round the bends.

SID Only right handed ones.

Reluctantly, Sid agrees to give her a trial. Sabrina Clip-Clop-Bonks off. Enormous crashing noise off-stage. “Don’t worry Sid”, says Harry. “That won’t happen when her glasses arrive”.

You get the feeling that Ray and Alan are absolutely flying with this one, having a ball in seeing just how ridiculously decrepit they can make this poor broken down nag. They’re not done yet.

Several days later, and Sabrina’s out on a trial gallop of two hundred yards.

SID She had one six hours ago.

KENNETH It’s the same one. She’s got another hundred and twenty five yards to go.

Despite all this, Harry has entered Sabrina for the Britannia Steeplechase. Sid is horrified.

SID You must be off your chump. Besides, there’s not a jockey in the country who’d ride her.

ANDREE That’s why Harry’s going to ride her.

SID Well, good luck to him. I hope… WHA??!

ANDREE Harry.

SID Him? Jockey?

HARRY And why not?

SIDNEY Well, you’re the right height, whichever way you measure.

HARRY My size doesn’t matter. Steeplechase jockeys always weigh more.

SID Yeah, but not more than the horse.

BILL I think Harry’d make a good jockey. He gets on well with Sabrina.

SID Blimey, what a pair. His weight and her wooden leg. If the going’s soft, there’ll be a bloke following behind planting potatoes.

Some time later, the training seems to be working. Sabrina can now jump over two whole fat worms and the jockey doesn’t have to dismount and throw her over the fences like he used to. Race time is three o clock. . “Gastonia Yankee”’s on twenty to one. “Red Lion Street” hundred to eight. “Sabrina” seven hundred and fifty eight thousand to one. Yesterday, seven hundred and fifty nine thousand to one. “Just as I thought”, comments Sid. “They’re getting the wind up”.

Sabrina is led to the starting line.

EFFECTS CLIP CLOP, CLIP CLOP

ANDREE Oh Sabrina, you silly girl, you’ve forgotten something, haven’t you? Go on, go back and get it.

EFFECTS CLIP CLOP BONK, CLIP CLOP BONK

Beautiful.

Down at the racecourse Sid is despondent. Even after going round the paddock poking the other horses with a syringe stuck in the end of an umbrella, he’s still lost a heap on the first three races of the day.

SIDNEY I’m not sure, but I think there’s someone on this course who’s got a bigger umbrella than mine. I’m going to complain to the stewards, this course is full of crooks.

Bill’s put threepence on Sabrina – he wired home for it. It’s his share of Grandpa’s inheritance – “I was always his favourite”.

Harry arrives, wearing his new riding gear.

Sid ponders how they found enough material to make his silks –

ANDREE Oh, I just sewed together a pair of curtains.

BILL Where from?

ANDREE The Palladium.

SID I like the riding breeches. Did you have them made specially?

HARRY Of course not. These are my cricket flannels. My legs have always been this shape.

The weigh-in follows. Needless to say, Harry breaks the scales spectacularly. “I wonder what would have happened if I’d put both feet on?” he ponders.

It’s all up to Harry now. Sid’s given him his riding instructions.

SID The usual stuff. As soon he gets over the first fence, tip a bagful of marbles all over the track. That’ll bring a few down. And I’ve had petrol poured in the water jump. All he’s got to do is drop a match in as he goes past. If nobody cheats, we might win this.

The race begins. Things got off to a predictably bad start –

BILL Two hundred yards behind the field. Three hundred yards behind the field. Four hundred yards behind the field. Ten yards behind the field.

SID What happened?

BILL They’ve lapped him.

Somehow they stagger through to a promising position, although only because Harry goes first – Sid excitedly noting, “Blimey, look at that horse holding onto Secombe for dear life!”

It’s a close run thing, but Sabrina’s done it – Ken announces the winner, by a short leg – Sabrina.

Back at the flat glasses are chinking, and everyone’s happy.

BILL For the first time in our lives, we’re rich!

ANDREE You’ve got Sabrina to thank for that. You ought to be grateful to her.

HARRY I haven’t forgotten Sabrina. I went out this morning and bought her a lovely present.

BILL What did you get her?

HARRY Something she’s always wanted. Come on, I’ll show you, she’s out in the yard… there she is. Complete with present.

ANDREE Oh, Harry, how sweet.

BILL What a wonderful idea.

HARRY She’s very pleased with it. I’ll call her over. Sabrina, come over here, dear.

EFFECTS Horse neigh, followed by CLIP CLOP BONK BONK, CLIP CLOP BONK BONK.

With that, we’re into the end music.

What a lovely, silly script this one is. Galton and Simpson flying with an utterly ridiculous premise – pushing it as far they can go, but never cruel with it. The balance feels shifted slightly – it’s very much Sid who gets all the best lines, with Andree and Bill stooging somewhat this week. Harry doesn’t do anything that Hancock wouldn’t have done in this one – a few cracks about his weight but otherwise it’s very much business as usual. It has a really sweet ending – you can hear the audience going “aaaaaawwww” over the final gag, and it feels like it could have been one of the great radio episodes. Sadly, barring miracles it seems unlikely we’ll ever find out.

With that Secombe gracefully steps back, allowing a fully recovered Hancock to return to his place at centre mic. Following this unexpected bump in the road Hancock’s Half Hour settles back into its accustomed groove, and business continues as usual. Except it doesn’t, not quite. Hancock has a debt to pay, and he’s going to do it. Join us next time for Hancock’s Half Hour starring Tony Hancock AND Harry Secombe in … A Visit To Swansea.

Hancock’s Half Hour – The Harry Secombe Episodes, Part 2

Right, where were we then?

Several centuries ago I started to take a look at the mysterious episodes of Hancock’s Half Hour on radio which Tony Hancock isn’t even in. That first installment can be found here https://ladydontfallbackwards.wordpress.com/2013/05/29/hancocks-half-hour-the-harry-secombe-episodes-part-1/.

Listeners in 1955 didn’t have to wait this long to pick up where we left off but at long last, it’s time to see what happens in episode 2 of series 2, The Crown Jewels. Rehearsed and recorded on the 24th of April 1955 and transmitted on the 26th of April 1955, this episode no longer survives in any recorded format. However, the script does and it’s this that we’re looking at to try and get a flavour of what S-S-S-Secombe’s Half Hour might have sounded like.

Anyone who missed the previous week’s antics in France would be forgiven for thinking it’s business as usual as the usual doleful sig plays in. However, our announcer (credited as Michael Brooke on the script’s title page, simply as “Reggie” thereafter) soon puts us right :

 

REGGIE We present Bill Kerr, Sidney James, Andree Melly, and Kenneth Williams in Hancock’s Half Hour, and in place of Tony Hancock…meet Harry Secombe!

 

 

 

after the theme plays out we hand over to Kenneth Williams, directed by Ray and Alan in the stage directions to play it “very John Snagge” :

 

KENNETH In the continued and unfortunate absence of Tony Hancock, Mr William Kerr the international vagrant has been compelled to find some other way of providing himself with succour. The sucker in this case being Handsome Harold Secombe. Mr Kerr has rooted himself in Mr Secombe’s London flat, where he freely enjoys the amenities that are offered. Well, not actually offered, but well…

We fade to Harry’s little box in town, where “Finger of Suspicion” is playing in the background. Bill’s been at the drinks cabinet and is making substantial inroads into Harry’s supply of scotch.

 

HARRY There were four bottles left last night!

BILL I’ve had a cold, Harry.

HARRY You had a cold. Four bottles of scotch for a cold. Bill, promise me one thing. Move out before you catch Pneumonia.

 

Harry soon finds out that his supply of fags is virtually all away as well. Bill has his own justification – he’s doing it all for his mate.

 

BILL I like you. I don’t want to see you end up as a dipsomaniac with a smoker’s cough.

HARRY The sooner Hancock comes back and collects you the better…

 

Andree has moved in as well. She’s upstairs, getting ready for Harry and Bill to show her the exciting fleshpots of London Town.

 

HARRY I’ve worked out the routes to take her on. If you’re coming with us, Covent Garden, Trafalgar Square, Westminster Abbey, The Tate Gallery and the Tower of London.

BILL And if I don’t come with you?

HARRY Hyde Park, Regents Park, St James’s Park and Hampstead Heath.

 

If ever there was an exchange crying out for Hancock’s voice, there it is.

Andree enters, wearing a provocative dress. The neckline’s a bit daring, and our boys are a little taken aback.

 

ANDRE ….Dior calls it his Empire Neckline.

BILL Oh well, that’s another Empire fallen.

ANDREE Oh, you Englishmen. You have such nasty minds. If I wore this dress in France nobody would notice.

HARRY That’s the trouble with Frenchmen today. They’ve lost interest in everything.

 

The tour begins. Covent Garden first stop and Andree wants to savour the local atmosphere. Harry warns her to cover her ears, because an enormous worker balancing fifteen baskets on his head is about to walk into a wheelbarrow. Cue GRAMS crashes, followed by Kenneth Williams in as precious a voice as he can manage:

KEN Oh, spit. This just isn’t my day. That’s the third lot of daffs I’ve dropped this morning. I might as well go home. Makes you sick. It does, really.

 

A handwritten exchange – presumably worked out during rehearsals – is penned in here:

 

HARRY And he looks so tough.

BILL With a voice like that you’ve got to be.

 

Another moment of pure Hancock arrives, with Harry flannelling furiously to cover up a severe lack of London knowledge.

 

ANDREE Ah, that must be Nelson’s Column

HARRY Quite correct. Built by Nelson in 1895 as a look-out post from the top of which he could keep his eye on the movements of the galleons as they made their way towards Plymouth Hoe. Note the hordes of pigeons still hanging around waiting for him to come back with a message from the fleet.

 

Hancock may be absent, but his voice can be heard ringing through many of these exchanges. Much tortured mangling of London history later, we fetch up at the Tower.

 

HARRY …and this of course is the famous Bloody Tower, built in 1132 for the imprisonment of enemies of the crown, and where you’ll remember in 1543 James Robertson Justice had Richard Todd thrown in when he caught him going at it a bit heavy with Glynis Johns.

 

Thankfully Kenneth arrives as the official guide to put Andree right and he isn’t too impressed with Harry’s grasp of events.

 

KEN The man’s off his chump. That’s not what they learned me at school… Madam, will you PLEASE tell that revolting child to get his jammy fingers off Anne Boleyn’s Tomb!

Several pages worth of debate later, we arrive at the room housing the Crown Jewels. Unsurprisingly the ranks of the Beefeaters have been swelled by one.

 

BILL …. Harry, you’ve met Syd James.

HARRY Why yes of course. I’m sorry, Mr James. I didn’t recognise you in the Beefeater’s uniform and black mask.

BILL How long have you been a Beefeater, Syd?

SYD I joined this morning. If all goes well I resign tonight.

 

Syd appeals to Harry’s sense of patriotism to secure his assistance in removing the Crown Jewels for safekeeping. There are thieves about and the jewels need to be taken to a safe location to protect them. One hacksaw and several bars later, the job’s nearly done.

 

HARRY …we must help Mr James transfer the jewels. Don’t you realise the honour that has befallen us? We will go down in history. Harold Secombe and William Kerr who were instrumental in removing the Crown Jewels of the British Empire.

Shortly after –

SYD Hold this, will you?

HARRY What is it?

SYD A Brick.

HARRY No, no, please. Allow me. You might miss.

 

So, Harry is naive, patriotic and kind-hearted, easily manipulated by people he trusts. Neddy Seagoon is hanging around in the shadows, giggling and blowing raspberries.

Job done, Syd discovers Harry plans to show Andree the Tate next and offers them a lift. After all, the thieves might strike there next and those paintings might need to be transferred for safety as well. Unfortunately, the Rozzers are onto them the minute they drive off.

 

HARRY It must be the crooks. They must have seen them take the jewels. The cunning devils. Look at them… disguised as policemen. They won’t catch us. Faster man, faster. We must get to the Tate Gallery and take those paintings before they do.

 

At the Tate Syd gets to work. before too long an entire row of “Toulousey Lautrecs” and a “Dotty Kelly” are preserved for the nation (“Might sell well in Dublin”, muses Syd). Andree wants to go and see the Elgin Marbles next.

 

SYD No, you don’t want to bother with them. I think we ought to go round and save Lord and Lady Docker’s stuff first.

ANDREE I want to see the Elgin Marbles!

SYD There’s plenty of marbles at Lady Docker’s place…

ANDREE Mr James, the Elgin Marbles are ancient Greek Statues

SYD So what?

ANDREE They’re beautiful.

SYD No.

ANDREE They’re priceless.

SYD I’ll go and get a lorry.

 

Before too much longer, the evening papers break the news of the sensational robberies. Shortly thereafter, Syd disappears.

 

ANDREE He’s gone… when you got to the bit about heavy sentences he muttered something about South America and letting two other men take the blame.

HARRY Who could he have meant?

ANDREE I don’t know. But both their christian names were Charlie.

 

Bill meanwhile has been reading the description of the felons given, and presents the news to Harry with a flat, dead “Hiya Charlie”. Now, at long last, Harry gets a chance to do a bit that plays to his strengths.

 

BILL The descriptions of the criminals are as follows. One man in a beefeater’s uniform. One short fat man with enough hair for three people. One thin Australian…

HARRY A short…fat…man….and…a….thin….Austral…. (GULPS)

 

The game’s up and our heroes make plans to try to get out of this mess. Harry suggests they leave the jewels in an empty railway carriage. Bill vetoes it – “the number of times they get cleaned out, they’ll still be missing for the next coronation”. Eventually they decide to try and put them back where they found them. Job done, Harry thinks they can all relax.

 

HARRY You’ll be able to sleep safely tonight, Andree

ANDREE Why? Are you going to have Bill locked up?

 

Along comes Kenneth Williams, this time as a stern-faced representative of the law (no room for Snide in this one but Ken more than makes up for it by playing more or less everybody else)

 

HARRY Found those jewel robbers yet?

KEN Yes, I think so.

HARRY Ahem. Yes. Lovely moon out tonight.

KEN Yes, quite a picture as it glints on the old Koh-in-noor stuck on your nut there.

HARRY Pardon?

KEN I think you’d better come along with us… your majesty.

 

Turns out in the dark, Harry’s nervousness has got the better of him. If he hadn’t been caught comments Bill, the next monarch would have to be crowned with a size-ten bowler.

Finally we arrive back more or less where we started, with Harry continuing his history lesson. Well, almost.

 

HARRY … and over there, we have the prison walls, built in 1763 by the convicts themselves.

ANDREE How interesting, Harry.

HARRY Yes, there’s not much I don’t know about this place. This is my cell here, and it has quite an interesting history, in 1847 it was built by….

etc, fades into theme tune.

With that the announcements roll, the music fades in and Hancock’s been successfully covered for another week. Multiple clues can be gathered from the script as to how broadly it would have sounded – the GRAMS instructions are all present and correct, with the details of which pieces of music are to be used and where. Galton and Simpson also give Kenneth Williams a few pointers, with their indication of the type of voice they’re after (I can just hear his John Snagge impersonation reverberating down through the ages). Andree is presumably still lumbered with her accent – it’s still fairly cut-glass when we reach the actual surviving episodes from this series. Bill’s still fairly sharp, albeit naive, although he’s exhibiting signs of the permanently unemployed, boots-on-the-pillow layabout he’d soon become. Syd’s character is fully formed, and on the fiddle – no tweaking necessary. He’s found someone else to twist in Hancock’s absence and he’ll take full advantage. Harry? He plays on the page as part Hancock, part Neddie Seagoon. Equal parts pompous but kind-hearted innocent and frantic, hyperactive giggler. It’s an impossible situation for Harry to take on but I’m sure he aced it.

Hancock would remain absent for a further episode – frantic antics involving Harry and a foolish investment in a racehorse, before returning himself to harness for episode four.  We’ll hopefully look at both of those soon. In the meantime, I’ll let Reggie have the last word.

 

REGGIE You have been listening to Hancock’s Half Hour, with Harry Secombe, Bill Kerr, Andree Melly, Sidney James and Kenneth Williams. Incidental music was by Wally Stott and recorded by the BBC Revue Orchestra conducted by Harry Rabinowitz. The script was written by Ray Galton and Alan Simpson, and the programme which was recorded was produced by Dennis Main Wilson.

CLOSING THEME (To to & End)

 

And who can argue with that?

 

Hancock’s Half Hour – The Harry Secombe Episodes, Part 1

In 1955, it seemed that everything was going well for Tony Hancock. Although not quite the beloved national figure he would later become, he was familiar to audiences throughout Britain. A seasoned – if nervous – stage performer and a confident radio artiste, his star was rising. He’d put in a series of well-regarded turns as one of the exasperated foils for Archie Andrews in Educating Archie. He’d just finished his first series of Hancock’s Half Hour in February, and the BBC had immediately commissioned a second.  Things appeared to be going well. Then it all started to unravel.

Hancock was contracted to appear at the Adelphi Theatre in Talk of the Town, but theatrical agents George Black Ltd felt there was a conflict of interest. They weren’t happy with Hancock appearing on radio while contracted to do theatre shows, and wrote to Hancock’s agents, Kavanagh Productions Ltd. The BBC began wrangling with George Black’s as to their legal rights, and eventually a compromise was reached. However, the strain took a severe toll on Hancock. Never a comfortable stage performer, he was on stage a few days before recording on the second radio series was due to begin when he walked off before the final number of the first performance. Dickie Henderson – ever thoughtful, kind and generous – stepped in to cover Hancock for that night’s second performance.

Producer Dennis Main Wilson, accompanied by Jimmy Edwards, set off to try and track down their errant friend and star. A tour of London’s watering holes proved fruitless and eventually the search was abandoned for the night. On returning home Main Wilson received a phone call from a Superintendent at Scotland Yard, who happened to be attending the first recording session on a pair of comps tickets provided by the Producer. Hancock had been spotted on the last plane to Rome.

At this point George Black’s rescinded their original agreement with the BBC, on the grounds that if Hancock wasn’t well enough to appear as contracted at the Adelphi, he certainly couldn’t appear on the radio. With angry agents on one side and a clearly exhausted and unwell star on the other, the BBC decided on April 15th that the series would go ahead – but without Hancock. A temporary replacement needed to be found and quickly. In the high pressure recording environment of the 1950s, this situation was – if not common – at least not without precedent. The Goon Show occasionally had to call in last minute replacements for an indisposed performer. Valentine Dyall, Kenneth Connor, Jack Train and Dick Emery all at various times stood in for an unwell Sellers, Milligan or Secombe. Thankfully, a solution presented itself almost immediately this time.

Main Wilson made a call to Harry Secombe’s agent, Jimmy Grafton. Secombe was an old friend of Hancock – the pair toasted the birth of Secombe’s first child together on a deserted Blackpool pier in April 1949 – and he readily agreed to take over. The first show was recorded on the 17th of April; it went out on the 19th and there was no time to change much, so Secombe effectively took on Hancock’s part but under his own name. Hancock remained out of action for several weeks so Secombe continued for a further two shows before Hancock returned to the fray for the fourth recording session. He wasn’t able to resume his performances at the Adelphi just yet, but Black’s relented enough to enable him to make the recording sessions for the BBC.

Nearly sixty years later it’s difficult to judge just how well this last ditch rescue attempt might have worked. Much of this troubled second run is missing : the BBC operating their traditional approach to episode retention of a bandy legged man trying to stop a pig in a passage. Over half of the series is gone, including not only the three Secombe episodes, but also Hancock’s return the following week. It’s a shame, as these four episodes form a little isolated pocket in the more familiar Hancock’s Half Hour that we think we know. They’re a diversion, a side-turning, with little in common with the rest of the series. Or are they? How exactly did Ray Galton, Alan Simpson, Main Wilson and the other cast members deal with the enforced absence of their friend and star? Thankfully the scripts for all four episodes survive: we are able to at least get a flavour of how things might have played.

Episode 1 – “A Holiday In France” – bears little evidence of the turmoil. Although it carries a cover sheet with Secombe’s name – presumably typed after the fact – the script itself carries Tony’s name all the way through, with the exception of the very first page. Announcer Adrian Waller gravely announces:

ADRIAN      We present Bill Kerr, Sidney James, Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams in… Hancock’s Half Hour… and in place of Tony Hancock, who is indisposed… meet Harry Secombe.

The following section is struck through –

ADRIAN    Tonight marks the return of this notorious radio series… this spotlight on the procrastination of radio comedy stars. I personally had Easter Monday off, but our star? Oh no – a weekend in Paris. But even these good things had to come to an end…

A handwritten annotation gives Adrian a substantially different speech –

ADRIAN    I personally was working on Easter Monday, but Bill Kerr? Oh, no. At the end of the last series he left Tony Hancock in England and spent a holiday in Paris with… well he says it was a great friend of his – Harry Secombe.

It’s business as usual after this, with Harry playing Hancock’s lines. Minimal adjustment is made – there just wasn’t time. Funnily enough, this might not appear to be as much of a problem as you would think. Although Secombe’s comedy persona is a lot more voluble than Hancock’s – all noise, giggles, raspberries and nervous energy – it’s easy to imagine this following scene being dropped into a Goon Show with Ned of Wales at the helm. Seagoon could quite easily deliver this with the pitch rising, getting faster and faster as we reach the end of the speech. All it needs is a Grytpype -Thynne “you silly twisted boy” in place of Bill’s capper line. Kenneth Williams does his usual sterling role playing every other cast member that the regulars couldn’t manage.

KENNETH     Attention all passengers. We will be arriving in Dover Harbour in approximately half an hour. All Foreign Nationals are advised to get their passports ready. Will American Service Personnel please stand by their cars, and British Tourists please note, this is your last chance for cheap fags and booze.

TONY/HARRY    Ah, Dover. (Pomp and Circumstance music under, rising to a crescendo) There she stands, rising majestically above the cold grey waters. Those great white cliffs which for centuries have welcomed home the traveller to his native shores. The castle, set high above the sea, proudly symbolising the domination with which we jealously guard our island home. Dover… whose unfaltering courage in our darkest hour shone like a beacon across the troubled continent… an inspiration to Britons the world over. If the British Empire lives for a thousand years, the name of Dover will forever ring in our ears. Dover, oh Dover, I humbly salute thee.

BILL (slight pause)      Tub?

TONY/HARRY     Yes?

BILL    That’s Calais. You’re facing the wrong way.

The rest of the script is a flashback to the misadventures of the lads in Paris. Having presumed they were booking for Southend (Harry to Bill – “that’s the last time I leave you to make the arrangements”), our heroes fetch up in the capital under the impression they’re in Blackpool – well, both cities have a great iron tower rising in the middle of them, it’s an easy mistake to make.

Bill, by the way, is beginning his evolutionary journey backwards down the ladder. While still quite sharp and not yet the amiable idiot he’d become in latter series – Billo The Performing Man is quite a long way off – he’s definitely a lot thicker and more gullible than he was in the first series as subsequent episodes will definitely show. First evidence of this appears when he comments while they’re in the middle of the English Channel – “the Thames gets a bit wide here, doesn’t it?”.

Before too long, Harry and Bill are locked up for attempting to underpay their fare – six and three instead of twenty five thousand francs. Harry’s soon living out his persecution fantasies, thinking he’s about to be executed (“please make sure the blade is hollow ground, I have tender skin”). They’re eventually released by an infinitely weary Kenneth Williams, the other prisoners having clubbed together the bail money because they couldn’t stand the noise.

Having been cleaned out by a passing Alan Simpson – Bill spends the last of their cash on dirty postcards – our heroes are reduced to busking in the street. Oddly enough, the Parisians don’t seem overly impressed by their spirited rendition of “Mademoiselle from Armentieres”, and eventually, Bill and Harry fetch up at a British Travel Agent, with the intent of cashing a cheque in order to get them home.

HARRY     Hmmm. Trans World Tours. Paris, Birmingham, Bolton and Oldham. On Parle Francais, Hier Spricht Mein Deutsch, English spoken, American understood.

Needless to say, the owner of the travel agency is one Sidney James – “when I’m on the run from the police, I travel at reduced rates”. A classic James fiddle follows, with Harry and Bill initially signed up the Foreign Legion, then put further in debt by trying to buy themselves out. Eventually, Sid procures some passports.

SIDNEY     Just let’s jot down your descriptions. Hancock, five foot six. Weight thirteen stone, brown hair, blue eyes, flat feet. Kerr, five foot nine, eleven stone, no hair, red eyes and BIG feet. Right. as soon as I can get two drunks who look like that up a dark alleyway, you’ll be alright.

And so, the lads manage to make it back to the Dover ferry. Not, however, before they encounter… HER.

As Sidney gives them a night on the town a lovelorn Harry/Tony finds himself alone in the middle of a masked ball with nothing but a phrasebook for company.

HANCOCK     Oh said Tubby, how unhappy I am. Ho Hum. Now, let’s see. Useful phrases. “Je Vais Vous Embracer”. I am going to kiss you. “Vous L’essyez et je vous donnerai un coup” – you do, and I’ll thump you one. End of love section. “At the draper’s shop”. “Qu’est ce que vous avez dans les pantalons canvas” – “What have you got in canvas trousers?” Ooo, I’m going to use that lot, aren’t I? Avez-vous… ooops!

At which point, Andree Melly treads on his foot.

In the previous series, a sort of love interest was provided by Moira Lister. Lister having headed off between series it seems that a new female co-star was required – Hattie Jacques and the immortal Grizelda Pugh still being some way off. Andree Melly arrives lumbered with a thick French accent (something which Galton and Simpson freely admit gave them headaches as the series wore on).

Romance is in the air, Andree having correctly spotted that Harry/Tony is English – “what Frenchman would wear a bowler hat on top of his beret?” Thankfully, this being a masked ball, the moment of truth can be safely deferred until midnight – the point at which lovers traditionally reveal themselves to each other. A rather sweet interlude follows with the two dancing, and Andree genuinely appearing to like Harry/Tony. The usual Hancock pomposity is almost entirely absent, confining himself to a comment about his dancing ability – “you’d better watch me feet in the Charleston. When I get going they’re in and out like flashing sabres”.

All too soon, midnight approaches.

ANDREE    Ah, it’s midnight. Time to take our masks off.

HANCOCK  At last.

ANDREE     The most exciting part of the evening. We remove these hideous papier mache masks and see each other for the first time.

HANCOCK   Go on, then.

ANDREE      There.

TONY           (admiration) Andree…

ANDREE     I hope you’re not too disappointed with me.

TONY        Andree – you’re… you’re beautiful. I… I hope you’re not too disappointed with ME.

ANDREE    Why?

TONY        I’ve had mine off since ten o’clock.

Back on board the ferry, there are plans to throw Bill’s mucky books over the side – with any luck they’ll wash up at Great Yarmouth and they’ll be able to get them back with a tidal chart. Tony’s still lovelorn, reminiscing about their earlier visit to the Louvre. Unfortunately, they’ve brought Bill along.

ANDREE     Have you seen Rodin’s “Kiss?”

BILL    No, but I’ve seen two mice bite each other. (LAUGHS) Get that. Rodins… rodents… two mice. That was a joke. (LAUGHS) An English joke. (DRIES) I’m Australian myself.

Further evidence of the lack of time available for rewrites follows, with one of Hancock’s traditional chats with a passing Alan Simpson. A regular feature of the first series, these little interludes always involve a tall story and gentle interjections from Simpson (do they?) Yes, they do. (oh, right. So then what?). In this one Simpson’s a curator, and Hancock claims to be an artist – an impressionist – “what do you think of this one? Hallo Archie, Hallo Brough, well, well well.”

Soon enough though, lovers meeting ends in forced farewells. It’s time for Harry/Tony to leave, but not before a final passionate clinch with Andree.

TONY     Goodbye Andree, I must go. It’s getting dark, my train leaves soon. One last kiss before I go. Oh, Andree (KISS) Oooh, you’re cold, my darling. It won’t be for long. (KISS) I’ll be back. Put your arms around me, Andree. Andree, please put your arms around me. Andree…

ANDREE  Tony, I’m over here. That’s the Venus De Milo.

Back at Dover, our heroes have arrived at Customs. Tony/Harry’s trunk is suspiciously heavy. There’s a reason for that – Andree’s inside, having decided to come back to England with our lovestruck hero. Kenneth Williams is not impressed – “So, smuggling livestock into the country, eh?”, and Tony/Harry gives in, ordering a porter to take his bags. To Dartmoor, which is inevitably where he’s going to end up.

And that’s the end of the first episode of this remarkable parallel universe version of Hancock’s Half Hour. Bill’s continuing reverse evolution notwithstanding, things seem more or less as normal – Sidney’s on the fiddle, the Simpson/Hancock chat is intact. Without Moira to bluster at, the Hancock character is a bit more vulnerable, a bit more lonely than he is wont to be at this point. One assumes that Secombe played it more or less straight – an excellent comic actor, I’m sure he wouldn’t have insulted Hancock by pastiching him. He’d have found his own way. Thankfully, by the next episode the production team had a little more time to steer things, and in “The Crown Jewels”, we see a little more Harry and a bit less Hancock. How do things turn out? Tune in next time. Closing Theme, Up To End. Segue, Playout.